up and trying to forget

Wow, I woke up at 4:30 AM today. I really have such weird sleeping patterns.

I'll be completely honest with myself now: I'm too scared to go into a relationship. There, I said it. I think I love to have control over my life. I know that sounds weird, but I never really take risks. I like to follow everything step by step and insure that it will work out alright. For relationships, I can't fathom how they turn out. I've seen how impossible that a true a relationship can last in high school. But am I really looking for one? It's hard to say. I think I've already lived my life to the fullest (yes, I'm still young) so I don't necessarily feel like I'm missing out on anything. Maybe it'll just happen sometime down the road when I realize I can let go of my insecurities..

feeling accomplished

Yesterday, I had a 2hr violin sectional with an amazing teacher. I really like how she defines precisely what the music should sound like , and now I feel a lot more comfortable with expression. The key is to sing your part and that's a guide to how your instrument should sound too.

Which leads to today. I'm proud to say I played the violin for over five hours today!! It's insane how I don't feel exactly drained by it either. I have this bad habit of not practicing my violin on a daily basis. But when I do take it out of my case, I can go on for hours and not realize time is passing by so quickly.

On a different note, I'm starting to think about whether or not I'm a good person..I feel like I get my work done and enjoy life, and yet there's that empty feeling. I don't have close friends whom I can confide too. Is it really my problem that I can't open up? It's tough to really let it all out in the open. I can be extremely talkative, but even that seems forced. I don't know. Am I really that weird? I feel like no out there really wants to be my friend or are intimidated by me. I wish I didn't give that impression. Hmm, or maybe high school is by nature extremely cliquey. Whatever the case, I hope one day I do find a true friend.

early bird

I don't know why but I always wake up between 6 and 7 am daily. I have this internal clock that forces me to wake up so early. I find this a great thing because I feel like I can do so much more with these extra hours.....NOT. It's saddening how I never end up doing actual work, but actually surf through the internet, etc.

Anyways, yesterday, I attended my friend's birthday party. He turned the BIG 18!! He's super chill and charming. I saw a lot of people whom I bonded with back in elementary and middle school, but didn't see a lot in high school. I was kind of sad that I didn't really have much to say to them because everyone has changed so much. For me, personally, I took such challenging courses throughout high school that I ended up bonding with people a higher grade up. I wish that I tried to connect more with my old friends. OH WELL. Life moves on and I can just make new ones, I guess. Well, I did find a group of people to talk to in the end, thank god. I know some juniors from classes and orchestra and those are the people I ended up mingling with the entire night! It was very fun talking to them. All in all, I had a great time.

There's something about dancing that I just can't seem to get. I find it amazing how people can let loose and just bob to the music like there's no tomorrow. They live so much in the moment, that I look at myself and ask, "Why can't I do that?" I've concluded that these people are not even really dancing, but really just hopping around, and doing weird body contortions, but they totally OWN IT. I think that's the key to not looking silly when you dance. You have to be completely confident about yourself and not show that you're embarrassed. It's really something I have to work on. It hopefully will happen, some day!

I just realized I can go on and on about my thoughts, but I'll stop here for now. Ttyl!